


Not A Burden Anymore

by DrayPotter_TFLS (DrayOakenshield)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Depression, M/M, Overdosing, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, poor view of mental health
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-24
Updated: 2018-04-24
Packaged: 2019-04-27 09:39:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14422647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DrayOakenshield/pseuds/DrayPotter_TFLS
Summary: Remus feels worthless and alone so he decides he has had enough. Sirius finds his note and rushes to save him but is it too late to repair the damage he has wrought in their relationship?





	Not A Burden Anymore

**Author's Note:**

> Please read the tags. This is a very dark fic that I wrote when I was in a dark place in my own life. 
> 
> Also, please note that I do NOT treat the handling of a suicide attempt as you would expect in the "muggle world". I know in real life no one would be discharged immediately, I know they would be under careful watch for at least 72 hours. I know all of this. But I do not feel the wizarding world, especially back in the 90's, would have this same care for mental health that we have been fighting for.

_Padfoot,_   
_I can’t do this anymore, I can’t keep living in love with you and being pushed away. Apparently, we can’t work through this like we have so many times before, I wish you hadn’t given up on me. I’ve tried so hard since you came back but it’s just not the same. I know I wasn’t there for you when Peter betrayed James and Lily and I’m sorry for that. When the truth came out there were no words to describe the joy I felt knowing you were innocent, that you were going to be free. But when you came back you built this fortress around yourself and no matter how many times I stumbled toward you I was pushed away. You let Harry in though and I realized I had been replaced, he was your Marauder, not me. I thought we would always be thick as thieves but I see now that isn’t the case. For twelve years I thought I was the last Marauder and I mourned for all three of you. Now I see I didn’t deserve to call myself that, a Marauder never would have given up on their friends like I did. I guess that means you are the last one left if any of us are. I’m rambling sorry. I know this is very disjointed and probably makes no sense I just wanted you to know I love you, I always have and after today I guess you could say I loved you until the day I died. I’ve always kept you in my heart, you healed me in ways no one else could have ever dreamed of doing. I lived out of a suitcase after Hogwarts but before James and Lily died I knew I could come home to you, you would always be here for me. I love you, Sirius, never doubt that okay. This is the last time I’ll bother you, the key to Grimmauld place you gave me all those years ago is in the envelope along with the key to my Gringots vault. Everything I have is yours, the way it always should have been. I love you. I’m sorry I wasn’t enough for you. I hope you can find happiness after I’m gone._   
_Goodbye Sirius, my mate, my love, my life._   
_Remus John Lupin_

Sirius read the letter that he had heard slide under his door a few moments before with a growing ball of fear in his chest. After the third time he read it and the words stayed the same the ball of fear settled like a lead weight in his stomach as he dropped the envelope to the floor with a clank. Grabbing his wand from the bedside table he bolted out of the room praying he wasn’t too late. He didn’t even pause when he reached the kitchen, just snagged a handful of floo powder from the mantle over the fire and threw it as he stepped into the flames.

“MOONY! MOONY PLEASE SAY SOMETHING!” Sirius shouted as the kitchen of Remus’ Hogsmeade flat stopped spinning, fear freezing his blood as his own voice echoed back at him through the silence. Quickly moving through the flat he kept calling out, praying to whoever would listen that he wouldn’t find his partner dead. “Remus! Merlin, please don’t say I’m too late. I didn’t mean to shove you away. Fuck! REMUS!”

With every unanswered plea and every empty room Sirius’ hope of finding Remus alive diminished, disappearing completely when he was left standing in front of a locked bathroom door. Forgetting he was a wizard Sirius took three steps back and took a running start before jamming his shoulder into the door to force it open. When the door popped open Sirius had to choke back a sob as he saw his oldest friend lying against the wall next to the toilet with vomit drying on his chin and splashed on his shirt.

“Nonononono this can’t be happening…” Sirius moaned as he fell to his knees next to the seemingly lifeless body. Wrapping his arms around Remus he pulled the far too skinny man against his chest hoping he would find some clue proving the other man was still clinging to life despite appearances. When he felt a small flutter against his neck he yelped and jolted to his feet to stumble back to the kitchen to floo the pair of them to Saint Mungo’s where a healer greeted them as soon as they stepped through the flames.

“Good evening sir’s, what can I do for you?” The healer asked as he motioned for one of his assistants to bring over a stretcher to put Remus on.

“He tried -” Sirius’ words were cut off with a sob.

The healer nodded solemnly in understanding as he read the signs written on both men's faces. “I understand. I am Healer Edwards, follow me and I’ll get you two settled in a room and we will see what we can do for Mr…”

“Lupin, Remus Lupin.” Sirius supplied, trying to contain his sobs as he wove through the halls behind the Healer. “And I’m his partner, Sirius Black.”

“Well, Mr. Black here’s the room Remus will be staying in for the duration of your visit. Would you like to come in while we try and resuscitate him or would you prefer to wait out here?”

Sirius shook his head, unable to speak around the lump in his throat. It was bad enough knowing he had pushed Remus to this point, he couldn’t bear to watch them try and bring him back to life. If they failed, if this really was the end, he would never forgive himself. Ever since he had gotten free from Azkaban and subsequently got pardoned for Peters crimes he had been holding a grudge against Remus for not supporting him when James and Lily died. Sirius refused to consider the fact that if their situations had been reversed and he had as little information as Remus had been given he would have come to the same conclusion. Now the man he had loved since his fifth year was barely alive and could very easily die before the day was over and it was all his fault. He had been such a selfish ass, he hadn’t even taken a second to consider how badly his seeming betrayal had hurt the man he said he loved. With a sob that shook his whole body, Sirius collapsed against the wall facing the door to Remus’ room and slid down it.

For the next half hour Sirius sat on the floor watching with tears streaming down his face as one healer after another went in or out of Remus’ room with concerned looks on their face, some offering Sirius a tight smile or a small nod as they passed him but never pausing long enough to fill him in. Finally, a further twenty minutes later, Healer Edwards reappeared with a relieved smile and offered a hand to pull Sirius to his feet.

“He is alive. It was touch and go for a while but he is awake now and he is asking for you.” Healer Edwards reassured Sirius.

Sirius took a breath to steady himself and scrubbed at his face with his hands to clear the evidence of tears as best he could. Once he was sure he was as presentable as he could be he nodded for Healer Edwards to lead the way into Remus’ room.

“Padfoot? That you?” Remus murmured sleepily, not even having the strength left to open his eyes.

“I’m here Moony, I’ll always be here for you. I’m sorry I let it get so bad. I should have been here with you, I shouldn’t have pushed you so far away, I shouldn’t have treated Harry like a mini-James. I swore when I was fifteen that I would love you no matter what happened and I betrayed that oath and I am so sorry. I don’t know how I can’t make it up to you but I will try every day to do just that if you will let me.”

Remus studied Sirius intently for a few moments before nodding slightly. “If you’re sure. I don’t want to be a burden or pushed aside again. I can’t deal with that Pads, I really can’t. They way you’ve been looking at me physically hurt me. I’ve seen you look at Kreacher with more affection in your eyes.”

“Oh, Moony.” Sirius breathed as pain racked through his chest at the raw pain he could almost feel in Remus’ voice. “I won’t do that to you again.”

“Sorry to interrupt gentlemen but I wanted to let you know that since there appear to be no lingering after-effects Mr. Lupin can go home as long as he is not alone for the next forty-eight hours. Plenty of rest is needed as well, and don’t eat too much right off as your stomach will need to settle.”

Sirius nodded at the instructions as he took one of Remus’ hand without thinking about it. “Understood, I have plenty of room and if I have to go anywhere there is plenty of family around that can step in though I doubt that will be necessary.”

Healer Edwards smiled softly at the pair and passed the clipboard he was holding over to Sirius to sign. “That’s perfect, I just need you to sign here indicating that you are accepting responsibility then you can be on your way.”

Reluctantly Sirius released Remus’ hand and took the offered papers to quickly scratch his signature where it was needed then passed them back to Healer Edwards. “So we are free to go then?”

“Of course. This packet has Mr. Lupin’s discharge information as well as an emergency port key that is good for thirty days. It is programmed to bring him back here if anything were to happen. Have a good day, gentlemen.” With one more smile Healer Edwards passed the packet to Remus and excused himself from the room.

“So…” Remus started nervously.

“If you don’t want to actually stay at Grimmauld I can have someone from the Order stay at your flat with you, or I can stay at your flat.” Sirius offered hesitantly.

Remus placed his hand on top of the hands Sirius was twisting in the blankets to still his movement. “I’ll come home with you, if we truly want to work on us then I think this is the best first step to take. Mind you I'm not saying this will be easy or something easily fixed but we can try.”

Nodding sadly Sirius squeezed Remus’ hands as tears threatened to fall again. “I won't ever stop trying. I love you, I know you aren't ready to say it back but I do love you and I need you to know that.”

“I do know. If you didn't you wouldn't have saved me.” Remus reassured him. ”Now come on, let's go home.”

Sirius brushed the tears from his face as he summoned Remus clothes to help the other man get dressed before guiding him out of the room and back to the floos in the lobby. The next few months were going to be rough but he knew that they could make it through, they had to. After everything, they had already faced repairing their relationship should be doable with hard work and honesty.

 


End file.
